“Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?”
A journal entry, from not so long ago.
I’ve sort of always been pulled between being who was easy, and being my authentic self. It is easy as a teen to be shuffled between groups or ideas. As you get older, you begin to realize a lot of your issues come from riding that fine line.
I’m the type of person who’s very in tune with my emotions. I’m very into how I feel. Looking back, as a child I was far more sensitive than I should have been. It’s both a blessing and a curse, they say, to feel everything so deeply. That is where I’ve always been. I’ve learned it doesn’t in fact change with age, you just react in a different way.
“The thing that’s important to know is that, you never know. You’re always sort of feeling your own way.” Diane Arbus
I gather I’ve always been primed for anxiety. When, like me, you’re prone to anxiety and depression, sometimes it’s a huge relief to get away from who you are. Cross that line between easy and authentic. But living with anxiety, ones never really in a place of comfort. Comfort is a place you visit rarely.
I know this is a part of me, the anxiety, not entirely but a big part. Knowing that makes it somewhat easier to deal with. And when your real life, outside your head, pulls you from one side of that line to the other it makes all the emotional aspects so much more intense.
I’ve never considered myself one who has dealt with depression. I mean I’ve been depressed- disappointments, broken heart and terrible loss. But as a disorder? No. Mine has always been anxiety. Sometimes quiet anxiety, sometimes crippling. There is a very fine line between anxiety and depression and it’s so easy for them to overlap. It’s a cycle. A terrible mind cycle.
About writing. I’ll never write super personal aspects of my life. I’m fiercely private. I’ll talk/write to anyone about anxiety and anything really! Maybe even vague causes, situations- but never anything too personal. I would never want others to feel pain or hurt by my words! I admire so deeply those who can be intellectually honest through their writing. I’m not one! I just am overly cautious that my words can’t be taken out of context or twisted to fit people’s own agenda or idea. I feel it’s unnecessary for me to get across what I want to say. And of course because of anxiety!
Anxiety is constant worry. Worry over this conversation or that one, often playing over and over and over in my mind. Did I say the wrong thing? Did I say something I may regret? Did I make this person mad? Did I cause drama? Is that bump normal, is my chest hurting and is it a heart attack? Is that dot in my eye some rare disease? Germs! Hate the interstate. Worry about the past, present and future. All dreadful. Ha! There is that lovely mind cycle I mentioned earlier!
Anxiety is like a scar, it may fade over time but will always have its place. Sometimes less visable, at other times it stands out like a sore thumb! The key is learning to embrace all of you, even the so called flaws. This is something I am always working on. Like that scar, it’s with me every day. I have really great days, months, where I handle it like it doesn’t exist. And other days it defeats me. Please know I have had many more good days and months and years than bad!
I find mindfulness is a great tool! And finally being my authentic self-Anxiety included- allows for a much more fulfilled and JOYFUL being! This too shall pass!
I’m sharing to let you know that anxiety is real. It’s not a flutter in your stomach or a nervous bout. It’s more than worry and doubt. It can take over your mind and control your life. If I do ever write a book the title will be: Dear Jessica, There’s no there, there. (Because thankfully, there’s 99.9999 percent of the time nothing there.) 😊
If you have anxiety or depression please talk to someone and don’t be afraid to seek help! Feel free to chat me me anytime!